Personal Surveys, Via Owl
by ShadowElfBard
Summary: What would happen if seven of the characters from Harry Potter were to be owled a personal survey? What would they put down?
1. Harry: The Weird One

**Authors Note: This is a Harry Potter (not mine by the way) version of "Personal Survey's Via E-mail", but you don't have to read it for this to make sense. Also, if I don't do a certain character it's because I don't think that there's enough on them to make a funny survey on. Sorry. But besides that, read, have fun, and please review!**

**Authors Other Note:** **A word of caution, I am going to be portraying quite a few characters as stupid or downright insane. Why? Because I can.**

**Personal Survey! Fill in and enjoy!**

(Send to at least one other person)

**Name:** Harry Potter

**Nicknames:** The-boy-who-lived, scar head, and (on more than one occasion) 'you bloody idiot'.

**Extracurricular activities:** I play quidditch and like to break the rules… a lot. It's fun; you should try it some time.

**Dream Job:** I'd be an Auror. It'd be bloody brilliant! I'd go around fighting bad guys, zapping them with my pointy wooden stick and saving the world! I'd be a superhero and my name could be… could be…. Super Scar! 

**What you're good at:** Besides all things relating to school, what **_aren't_** I good at?

**Special Talents:** I can make girls swoon even though I wear glasses, and I can make swirly stuff come out from my wand!

***Current family members, list one attribute for each that applies***

**Mother:** Dead.

**Father:** Dead****

**Sister:** Never had one.

**Brother:** Nope.

**Favorite family member:** Err, I'm afraid that I don't really like anyone. Technically Sirius is a part of my family, but then again, he's dead.

**Role model:** Sirius. Alas, I knew him well…

**Friends:** The brain, the redhead, the loon, and a few others who I classify more as subservient admirers than friends.

**Where do you live? :** In the summer I live in hell, and during the school year I live in heaven. *Sigh* You know your life is screwed up when you compare school to heaven…

**Where would you like to live? :** Ohio!

**Greatest fear:** The kissy guys in the hoods. 

**Biggest Obsession:** Um… Voldemort I guess. NO! Not like **_that_**! Sickos…

**Strange habits and/or activities:** Battling students from the house of snakes, dreaming of snakes, fighting giant snakes, speaking to snakes… I'm beginning to sense a pattern here.

**Scariest thing you've done or seen:** I once saw Snape trying on women's lingerie. *shudder*

**Favorite food:** Chocolate frogs

**Favorite song:** "Kryptonite" 

**Favorite spell:** Patronus! I get to make a pretty deer gallop around.

**Secret fantasy:** To share a room with Cho Chang. [Growls and waggles eyebrows]

**An embarrassing moment:** Being in the tub in front of Moaning Myrtle. 

**Goal in life:** To build a better mousetrap.

**Worst thing you've ever done:** What?! I'm the HERO. I don't do bad stuff. (…) Why are you looking at me like that?

**Three things/people you hate:** Draco, Snape, and infomercials.

**Best candidate for Defense Against the Dark Arts professor:** Kermit the frog

**If you could be a cartoon character, who would you be and why? :** I'd be Superman! He's tall and strong! **_And_** he's got Lois Lane…

**If you could kill anybody and get away with it, who would it be? :** Filch's cat.

**Who is least likely to respond to this letter? :** 'Mione. She's probably got her nose in a book somewhere…


	2. Hermione: The Secret Psychotic

**Personal Survey! Fill in and enjoy!**

(Send to at least one other person)

**Name:** Hermione Granger

**Nicknames:** Mudblood, suck-up, teacher's pet, braniac… Horrible insults, I know. But I'll get them all back someday… when they least expect it. *Evil and slightly psychotic grin*

**Extracurricular activities:** Reading, reading, and… reading. Yep, that's about it.

**Dream job:** I think it might be nice to be a professor here. Or headmaster. Or minister. Or Queen. Or Supreme Dictator of the World… You have to dream big. 

**What you're good at:** Everything.

**Special Talents:** I can save the day whenever Harry screws up. I also knit a mean house-elf hat. Support S.P.E.W.!

***Current family members, list one attribute for each that applies***

**Mother:** Um, I don't really see her that often.

**Father:** Again, he's not there a whole lot.

**Sister:** Nope.

**Brother:** Nuh uh.

**Favorite family member:** My grandfather in Germany who's been secretly sending me plans for world domination. Purely for school-related reasons, of course.

**Role model:** Joan of Arc.

**Friends:** A famous nitwit, a not-so-famous nitwit, and a girl without any wits at all.

**Where do you live? :** I'm not at liberty to divulge this information as it might compromise with our agents in the field. ( o_O )

**Where would you like to live? :** The Queen's castle.

**Greatest fear:** Besides failing a test, I'd have to say that Barney the purple dinosaur is bloody horrifying.

**Biggest obsession:** Information.

**Strange habits and/or activities:** I fight the minions of a guy who's **_supposed_** to be dead but isn't, follow a kid who's famous for something he didn't even do, and save my friends' arse's from almost certain doom while receiving hardly any credit at all.

**Scariest thing you've done or seen:** Harry trying to act sexy. 

**Favorite food:** Pixie sticks. (not with real pixies though)

**Favorite song:** "More Than A Woman"

**Favorite spell:** Wingardium Leviosa. It's levi**_o_**sa, not levio**_sa_**.****

**Secret fantasy:** To find a guy who will like me for my body, not my brains. 

**Embarrassing moment:** Turning into the cat lady.

**Goal in life:** I'm actually thinking about taking over the world. It sounds like fun, and I mean if **_Voldemort_** came close then it can't be all *that* hard now can it?

**Worst thing you've ever done:** I once got a B- on a test. But that's a secret I'm taking with me to the grave.

**Three things/people you hate:** Malfoy, the third Matrix movie, and Mondays.

**Best candidate for Defense Against the Dark Arts professor:** I *still* think that Lockhart wasn't all that bad… It's a pity that he had to lose his memory.

**If you could kill anybody and get away with it, who would it be? :** Malfoy. Repeatedly. Using a spoon and a bendy straw… (Ahem) But, of course, this is just a **_theoretical_** question.

**Who is least likely to respond to this letter? :** Ron. He probably got his head stuck in a peanut butter jar again.


	3. Ron: The Fairly Normal Yet Stupid Boy

**Personal Survey! Fill in and enjoy!**

(Send to at least one other person)

**Name:** Ron

**Nicknames:** Weasley, Ronniekinns (I can thank Fred and George for that one), and 'insensitive pea- brain'.

**Extracurricular activities:** I play quidditch, wizard's chess, and get into arguments with a girl who could curse me from here to America.

**Dream job:** Talk show host. I think I'd be good at it, personally.

**What you're good at:** Screwing things up.

**Special Talents:** I can touch the tip of my nose with my tongue. Want to see?

***Current family members, list one attribute for each that applies***

**Mother:** Control freak

**Father:** Obsessive compulsive

**Sister:** Shy and small

**Brother(s):** I've been cursed with 3. Which one do you want to hear about?

**Favorite family member:** I personally can't stand the lot of them.

**Role model:** Curly from "The Three Stooges"

**Friends:** The brave leader and the smart sidekick. I'm beginning to suspect that I'm only a part of the group for comical relief.

**Where do you live? :** The "Big Brother" house without all the camera's and tasteful decorating.

**Where would you like to live? :** Somewhere tropical… maybe Florida.****

**Greatest fear:** Spiders and Snape. Though I really can't find a difference between the two.

**Biggest obsession:** Wizard's chess. None can defeat me; I am all-powerful! I am invincible! Bow before my mighty chess skills, foolish mortals!

**Strange habits and/or activities:** Fighting spiders, centaurs, trolls, evil wizards, dementors… the list goes on an on.

**Scariest thing you've done or seen:** Battling He-who-must-not-be-named's minions was pretty terrifying. Then again, so was my grade on the Potions test.

**Favorite food:** Chocolate. In any form.

**Favorite song:** "All Star". Smash Mouth kicks (beep)!

**Favorite spell:** Petrificus Totalus

**Secret fantasy:** (The author apologizes for not showing Ron's answer, but she wishes to keep this PG) 

**Embarrassing moment:** When I belched slugs, and when I sleepwalked to the Great Hall in my Superman boxers. 

**Goal in life:** To live to see my graduation.

**Worst thing you've ever done:** I read Hermione's diary once. Did you know that she has plans for world domination?

**Three things/people you hate:** Snape, Malfoy, and Krum.

**Best candidate for Defense Against the Dark Arts professor:** Anne Rice.

**If you could kill anybody and get away with it, who would it be? :** Victor Krum. *muttering* The bloody bastard…

**Who is least likely to respond to this letter? :** I don't know anyone I can mail it to, sorry. I'll just send the owl to the loft and let someone find it…


	4. Draco: The Haughty, Naughty Malfoy

**Personal Survey! Fill in and enjoy!**

(Send to at least one other person)

**Name:** Draco Malfoy. I don't know why I'm even filling out this soddin' thing, but I found it in the Owlery and I'm bored. I'm dangerous when I'm bored.

**Nicknames:** Everyone that I know is smart enough not to give me any.

**Extracurricular activities:** Quidditch and the occasional duel.

**Dream Job:** A Seeker for a Quidditch World Cup team. What, you didn't actually think that I **_wanted _**to kiss the Dark Lord's feet when I got older, did you?

**What you're good at:** I am a Malfoy. There is nothing that we aren't good at.

**Special Talents:** I'd need a larger sheet of parchment to fit them all in, but one of them is my ability to use my predominant cheekbones and sexy British accent to melt even the toughest girl to a puddle at my feet.

***Current family members, list one attribute for each that applies***

**Mother:** Narcissist. 

**Father:** Sadomasochist.

**Sister:** None. I'm an only child and proud of it.

**Brother:** (same as above)

**Favorite family member:** I hate the lot of them.

**Role model:** Me.

**Friends:** Friends? I don't need **_friends_**. Servants and slaves have always worked for me in the end.

**Where do you live? :** Malfoy Manor, duh.

**Where would you like to live? :** Anywhere but here.

**Greatest fear:** Are you complete daft? I'm a Malfoy, and therefore don't fear anything. (…) That time in the Forbidden Forest? Oh, I was just, er, pretending. I wanted to see what pothead would do, that's all. I wasn't **_really_** scared.

**Biggest Obsession:** Trying to expel scarface.

**Strange habits and/or activities:** Cursing people, getting cursed, receiving detention, getting others in detention… that sort of thing.

**Scariest thing you've done or seen:** How many times do I have to tell you bloody idiots?! I. Don't. Get. Scared! 

**Favorite food:** Puffy Cheetos.

**Favorite song:** "It's My Life"

**Favorite spell:** Crucio

**Secret fantasy:** None at the moment. Whenever I have one I tend to go fulfill it immediately.

**Embarrassing moment:** The "incident". (The author would like to explain to the reader that young master Malfoy is referring to the time he was turned into a ferret. Thank you.)

**Goal in life:** To get the hell out of Hogwarts before the s**t hits the fan.

**Worst thing you've ever done:** I'll let you use your imagination.

**Three things/people you hate:** Saint Potter, his mudblood girlfriend, and the red-haired idiot.

**Best candidate for Defense Against the Dark Arts professor:** Tim Burton.

**If you could kill anybody and get away with it, who would it be? :** I can only pick one?

**Who is least likely to respond to this letter? :** Do you actually think that I'd send this off to someone? You're more hopeless than I'd thought.


	5. Dobby: The Clothing Obsessed House Elf

**Personal Survey! Fill in and enjoy!**

(Send to at least one other person)

**Name:** My name is Dobby, sir. Dobby knows that he probably shouldn't be doing this when he's supposed to be cooking for the students, but Dobby found it and can't help himself, sir.

**Nicknames:** Many of Dobby's nicknames are not polite, and Dobby doubts that they would fit in the PG category.

**Extracurricular activities:** Dobby enjoys wearing clothes, sir. Does that count?

**Dream Job:** Being a fashion designer would work well for Dobby.

**What you're good at:** Harry Potter has often told Dobby that he is good at "attempting assassinations", though Dobby doesn't really know what he meant by that.****

**Special Talents: **Dobby has found that he can snap his fingers really well. 

***Current family members, list one attribute for each that applies***

**Mother:** No

**Father:** No

**Sister:** No

**Brother:** No

**Favorite family member:** As far as Dobby knows, Dobby is an orphan. But Dobby doesn't mind, because it makes Dobby seems more pathetic and then people feel sorry for Dobby and buy him lots of nice clothes.

**Role model:** Dobby admires Harry Potter and Martha Stewart. Martha is very good at making things out of teabags and socks.

**Friends:** Harry Potter, the red-haired idiot, and the nice girl who leaves out clothes for Dobby.

**Where do you live? :** Dobby lives in the castle, underneath Harry Potter's bed. Harry potter doesn't know that yet, though. But Dobby likes it there because Harry Potter often leaves his socks on the floor for Dobby to scoop up.

**Where would you like to live? :** Dobby wouldn't mind moving to Scotland. Dobby hears they have lots of nice scarves and hats. Dobby needs more scarves.

**Greatest fear:** Dobby admits that he is terrified of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Then again, Dobby is also afraid of muggle IRS agents and laundry mats.

**Biggest Obsession:** Dobby should think it's obvious by now.

**Strange habits and/or activities:** Dobby often tries to help Harry Potter, sir. …Though he does seem to send him to the infirmary a lot.

**Scariest thing you've done or seen:** Dobby saw Jennifer Lopez's last outfit for the Golden Globes. *shudder* Dobby never wants to see such an atrocious piece of clothing again.

**Favorite food:** Pistachios.

**Favorite song:** "Hot In Herre". Dobby enjoys the part about the clothes.

**Favorite spell:** Dobby doesn't know any spells, sir, but likes to make things float.****

**Secret fantasy:** Dobby has quite a few involving Winky and clothes. Lingerie specifically. 

**Goal in life:** Dobby would very much like to start his own line of clothing and dress house-elves everywhere.

**Worst thing you've ever done:** Dobby once stole a nice silk pair of women's underwear from Mister Snape. Dobby put them back when he was done, though.

**Three things/people you hate:** Scissors, Malfoy's, and green jello.

**Best candidate for Defense Against the Dark Arts professor:** Dobby thinks that he wouldn't be such a bad candidate.

**If you could kill anybody and get away with it, who would it be? :** Lucius Malfoy. Dobby would very much like to slam **_his_** ears in the oven door.

**Who is least likely to respond to this letter? :** Dobby isn't quite sure that this letter is safe, and so Dobby is just going to leave it in Mister Snape's potions cabinet. No one ever goes in there. Dobby apologizes for not sending it off, but Dobby gets in enough trouble as it is.


	6. Snape: The Undercover Transvestite

**Personal Survey! Fill in and enjoy!**

(Send to at least one other person)

**Name:** Severus Snape. Potions Master.

**Nicknames:** *intense glare*

**Extracurricular activities:** Boogieing in women's clothes to various Cher and Whitney Houston songs.

**Dream Job:** Being Defense Against the Dark Arts professor (which every good reader **_knows_** I should be). 

**What you're good at:** Making potions and demoralizing students. Why cause them physical pain when mental torment lasts so much longer?

**Special Talents:** I can dance in high-heeled platform shoes to "Staying Alive" without twisting an ankle.

***Current family members, list one attribute for each that applies***

**Mother:** Ask me that again and I'll slip you a potion that will make your family jewels fall off.

**Father:** SAA (Same As Above)

**Sister:** SAA

**Brother:** Never had one, actually.

**Favorite family member:** My aunt Nora. She's the one who finally convinced me that it's okay to wear hose-- as long as they're red.

**Role model:** Cher, hands down. You go girlfriend!

**Friends:** My shoes and I go waaay back.

**Where do you live? :** Where do you **_think_**, you bloody idiot? And if the word 'bloody' hasn't tipped you off by now then you're in worse shape than I thought.

**Where would you like to live? :** Hollywood, California.

**Greatest fear:** Michael Jackson. Something about that man just terrifies me.

**Biggest Obsession:** Veronica Secret's clothing line of lingerie, and fluffy boas. 

**Strange habits and/or activities:** I can't think of any really… Sorry, but I seem to be a pretty normal guy.

**Scariest thing you've done or seen:** The sight of Dobby trying on my knickers will give me nightmares for weeks. 

**Favorite food:** Apple Pie

**Favorite song:** "I Will Survive" 

**Favorite spell:** *I* use potions. I'm above all that silly stick waving. I saw enough of that in college.

**Secret fantasy:** I fantasize of someday taking my closet show on the road and fulfilling my dream of being a famous diva.

**Embarrassing moment:** When Potter saw me dancing to one of my CD's. If he ever tells a soul about what he saw I will personally rip out his larynx and owl it to the Dark Lord as a birthday present.

**Goal in life:** To sing a duet with Cher. *Sigh* I can imagine the dress I'd be wearing, too…

**Worst thing you've ever done:** I listened to a Brittney Spears song. "Oops", is right. Whoever put that bimbo on the stage were probably tone deaf and American.

**Three things/people you hate:** Potter, my students, my job, my life, my memories, my-- oh, wait. How many can I put down?

**Best candidate for Defense Against the Dark Arts professor:** Me, duh.

**If you could kill anybody and get away with it, who would it be? :** Top on my list right now, (yes, I have a list) would have to be Gilderoy Lockhart. I don't care if he's in the mental ward; it's still not good enough!

**Who is least likely to respond to this letter? :** Hah! Me, sending this off to someone? You have to be joking. Or insane. Take your pick-- I don't care.


	7. Voldemort: He's Just Misunderstood Reall...

**Personal Survey! Fill in and enjoy!**

(Send to at least one other person)

**Name:** Tom Marvolo Riddle. But I suggest calling me Lord Voldemort, because I won't kill you right off for saying it. (By the way, I found this survey on the floor after on of my weekly Death Eater meetings. I had no idea that Severus enjoyed Cher so much…)

**Nicknames:** Dark Lord, Riddler, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Voldie, You-Know-Who, He-Who-Was-Defeated-By-An-Infant… (etc)

**Extracurricular activities: **I hold Dark Revivals… murder mudbloods… plot evil plots… and write poems about how I'm going to kill Harry. I'm currently working on one called "Potter Was Flattened By A Steamroller".

**Dream Job:** I think it would be rather fun to be Supreme Overlord, though the idea seems to upset quite a few people… I honestly have no idea why, though.

**What you're good at:** Murder, attempting murder, and drawing up plans for murder. 

**Special Talents:** I have a very scary voice. One of my servants once told me that I couldn't wish my mother a happy birthday without it sounding like a death threat. 

***Current family members, list one attribute for each that applies***

**Mother:** Dead

**Father:** Killed him

**Sister:** Never had one

**Brother:** Never had one (though if I had, I'd probably have killed him, too)

**Favorite family member:** They're all either dead or nonexistent. Sorry. Though I do have a snake named Humphrey.

**Role model:** Jafar from Aladdin. I LOVE that movie.

**Friends:** Lucie (Luscius), Sevvy (Severus), and Peter (Peter). 

**Where do you live? :** Now where would the fun be in telling you **_that_**?

**Where would you like to live? :** Hmm…. I hear the Bahamas are nice this time of year. Or California! I really want to go to Disneyland.

**Greatest fear:** Butterflies. (Have you ever actually **_seen_** a butterfly up close? They're bloody terrifying!)

**Biggest Obsession:** Trying to kill Harry Potter over, and over, and over, and over, and over again.

**Strange habits and/or activities:** Well, my followers and I do get together every other Thursday to play Bingo… does that count?

**Scariest thing you've done or seen:** A drunken Luscius is not a pretty sight.

**Favorite food:** Bean and cheese burritos with sour cream. Mmm…

**Favorite song:** "I'm a Believer"

**Favorite spell:** Avada Kedavra. No muss, no fuss.

**Secret fantasy:** Killing Harry Potter. In my fantasy, he's bound, gagged, and slowly being lowered feet first into an active volcano while I'm watching from the sidelines, reclining in a LAZ-E-BOY chair, drinking a pina colada and having my shoulders massaged by Playboy Bunnies.

**Embarrassing moment:** When I accidentally put all my white robes in the laundry with my red ones. I looked like Barbie for a week.

**Goal in life:** To kill Potter and take over the world. I'd also like to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, but that can wait.

**Worst thing you've ever done:** Ooh, this one's a toughie….

**Three things/people you hate:** Potter, Potter, and Potter.

**Best candidate for Defense Against the Dark Arts professor:** Me!

**If you could kill anybody and get away with it, who would it be? :** Do I actually have to **_answer_** this one? *sigh* All right, fine. Harry F****ing Potter.

**Who is least likely to respond to this letter? :** That implies that I'm actually going to send this off. Actually, I'm going to go burn this right now and roast marshmallows over it so I can make smores. Ta-ta!

************************************************************************************

   Hey, it's ShadowElfBard. I just want to say thank you to everyone who reviewed this fiction of mine (Yes, it's over. Sorry) and I hope that you all enjoyed it. So, once again, thank you GoldenWolf88, one crimson tie, legolaslover2, Lady Pyra, Fain Oakenbringer, losingmymind, TheSecretCharacter, JewelValentine, Lara Christi, reviewer, Emerald*Lily508, The Krazed Kitsune, Amaya, TwinglesMeMeMe13, Siriusrocks23, Laughing Dragoness, Kawaii-milkdud, Dragix, K00lgirl1808, TheRagingQuiet, ER, and Somnia. I look forward to hearing from you guys and gals in the future.      

   Tootles!


End file.
